Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Perils of the Modern Age

Recently passing by a local Domino's, I spied a large window trapping of some so-called "American Legends" pizzas. One of which was labeled "Pacific Veggie" that looked halfway tasty.

I made a note to order one when next I felt too lazy to cook, which happened to be just the other day. Ordering pizza online is pretty painless, and I usually do so, but for whatever reason decided to call this one in personally. If only I could have foreseen... When I dialed up and asked for the American Legend Veggie pizza, I first had to clarify it was indeed on the menu after it didn't come up on the computer. I restrained from mentioning said pizza was displayed about 3 feet wide on his front window. After a odd delay on hold, I got this response:

"Sorry sir, the computer is being a bit of a jerk right now. It won't let me select that pizza."

Stupid computers, always being jerks. "So, um, I can't order it?"

"Well the computer won't let me enter it in. I guess you could order the regular veggie pizza."

"Eh, no thanks." (Only the -Pacific- Veggie has feta!)

"Yeah, well, for whatever reason, like I said I can't put in the Pacific Veggie order right now."

"Couldn't you just, you know, write it down?"

"Hold on, let me check with the manager."

Really? Really?? Look, I know how the system works, I know they enter the order into the computer and all the details show up for the cooks in the back. They make your pizza to order and the sticker with your name goes on it and it's all streamlined. But damn if one glitch in the system doesn't cripple the entire process.

Finally the dude came back on. He wasn't being lame about it or anything, he was real nice, just trying to do his job within the constraints of the system. "Okay, we can put your order in, but the order on the box is actually going to say our regular "Big Veggie" even tho the actual pizza we make will be the Pacific Veggie."

"Yea man, whatever works." I had to choose my next words carefully, lest I tug quantum threads too tightly and accidentally rend the fabric of space-time. "Can I request no olives on my order?"

"Sure, no problem." Success! "That will be [ridiculously obscene price for a pizza]." Dammit!

One thing I know from experience is that when ordering by phone, or even in person, pizza guys will always try to screw you on the price. You have to "remind" them to honor their adverts. During our lengthy conversation I actually pulled up the Domino's web site as a backup plan. "Dude," I responded, "I'm looking at the ad right now, it's a large pizza for $12.99."

"Hold on... okay, your total is [miraculously and suddenly accurate]."

And we're done. I chose to pick up the pizza myself to avoid any other potential shenanigans. And I have to say from a mass pizza chain the Pacific Veggie was indeed tasty.

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